Who Knew?
by dwennie
Summary: Sam's sudden death leaves Jules shocked, and she tries to come to terms with it. General spoilers up to 3.08. Sam/Jules, oneshot. T for mild language.


**Disclaimer: Own them? You're funny. The song is "Who Knew" by Pink, who I also don't own. Listen to it, it's marvelous.**

**A/N: This sprung to my mind while listening to my iPod. So, I wrote it. Reviews are greatly appreciated!**

* * *

November 9, 2009. That was the day he left me forever. Of everything that could have happened, it was a car accident that killed him. A god damn _car accident_. With all the dangers our job throws at us everyday, I couldn't believe that Sam Braddock had been killed by a drunk driver. It didn't seem fair that Sam died on the scene, and the driver responsible is only in a coma. But since when is life fair? It never has been, never will be.

_You took my hand, you showed me how  
You promised me you'd be around  
Uh huh, that's right  
_

I remember when he first joined the team. He was the cute, hot-headed rookie. From the moment I met him, I had a crush on him. It had happened before, when Spike had joined I'd harboured a minor crush on him, too. I expected it to fade, just like before. Oh, how wrong I was.

The first time he kissed me, I was on cloud 9. I had been trying so hard to hide my growing feelings for him, but it was hard. It didn't help that he liked me, too. The only thing holding us apart was the rules, and they didn't hold for long. Next thing I knew, I was waking up next to him, comfortable and warm. That's when he told be he'd always be there for me, no matter what.

_  
I took your words and I believed  
In everything you said to me  
Yeah huh, that's right_

The worst part wasn't sneaking around on the team. The worst part was that I let myself believe him. He was always so tough, so skilled at what he did. Somehow, I convinced myself that no matter what our job threw at us, he would always be there, just like any other day. Somehow, I had managed to convince myself that he was invincible.

That was my biggest mistake.

_If someone said three years from now  
You'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out_

'_Cause they're all wrong_

I never thought that this would happen. Never in my worst nightmares did my beloved teammates die like a civilian. As much as it pains me to say, somehow I thought that this sort of thing wouldn't happen to us. If I had known before what I knew now, I would have called myself crazy.

I was naïve. I had thought that my world was solid, a never changing constant ever since I joined Team One. When Lou was taken from us, those beliefs had been shattered. I had taken weeks to get over that enough to function again. I had managed to convince myself that the worst was over, that nothing _that_ bad would ever happen again.

_I know better  
'Cause you said forever  
And ever, who knew?_

I know better than that now. When he told me always, I had never suspected a catch, a flaw in his plan. I understand now that absolutes don't happen in real life, however much we may want them to. When he told me always, he meant until he couldn't anymore. It was only a short year and a half later that fate said he couldn't.

Maybe he still is out there, somewhere. Maybe he can still see me, even if I can't see him. If only I knew for sure. Until then, I'll dream on.

_Remember when we were such fools  
And so convinced and just too cool  
Oh no, no no_

When we had first started dating, he was convinced everything would work out. At first I had been sceptic, keeping our relationship locked up tighter than a bank. Over time, the continued success of our hidden relationship and his endless nagging had finally made me believe that things would go our way. Then I was shot.

It seemed like everything came tumbling down after that. Sam had pretty much given away our secrets from his reactions, and to rejoin the team I knew I had to end things. I convinced myself that the team could come first, that I could put work and family over my heart.

Like everything in my life, it didn't go as planned.

_I wish I could touch you again  
I wish I could still call you a friend  
I'd give anything_

I wish I could say we were still close as ever when he left the land of the living. The truth was, we were barely on speaking terms. When we did talk, the words were harsh, and the conversation less than friendly. My biggest regret now was not fixing the things between us. Even if we could have just been friends, maybe everything wouldn't have been so hard.

Every night I dream that things had gone differently. Maybe if he had been going somewhere else, maybe if I had given him a ride none of this would have happened. All I want is to hold him, to kiss him one last time. Just another wish that won't come true.

_When someone said count your blessings now  
For they're long gone  
I guess I just didn't know how  
I was all wrong_

I wish it weren't so, but his last memory of me isn't a good one. Whoever said "forgive and forget" was a wise man. I should have heeded their advice, and forgiven Sam for moving on so fast after we broke up. I should have fixed things while I still could.

But it's too late now.

_But they knew better  
Still you said forever and ever  
Who knew? Yeah yeah_

Everyone else seemed to know how precious and delicate life was. Then there was me, stuck in my own world believing that change never came, and if it defied the odds and _did_ come, it would come slowly.

The truth was, things change in a heartbeat. Everything changed when Lou stepped on that mine, and everything changed when I heard Sarge telling me that Sam was dead. They had been smarter than me, but now I know better. I've learned from my mistakes, I just wish it didn't have to be in such a hard way.

_I'll keep you locked in my head  
Until we meet again  
Until we, until we meet again  
And I won't forget you my friend  
What happened?_

I'll always remember him. I'll always dream of him, of how things could have been. No matter how old or young I live to be, I'll be waiting for the man I love, my best friend, my brother. I'll be waiting for that moment when he comes to take me to wherever we go next.

I'll always carry the memories of him, of _us_ with me. I miss him more than I'll admit to anyone. The team knows it's been hardest on me, but I've hidden from them just how hard that is. Every memory I have of our time together, I'll lock it away in a special place in my heart, no matter how good or bad the memory is. As long as he's in it, I'll keep it.

_If someone said three years from now  
You'd be long gone  
I'd stand up and punch them out  
'Cause they're all wrong_

I still don't believe how hard it was to accept his passing. After all he'd been through, after all I'd been through I'd thought that we'd make it out mostly unharmed. If someone had told me Sam Braddock would be killed by a drunk driver when I'd met him three years ago, I would have laughed in their face.

It goes to show how much three years can change you. Before, I hadn't believed in true love, and I'd never thought my world would be turned upside down. I'd pushed the dangers of the job to the back of my mind, because with a team like ours what on earth could happen?

_And that last kiss I'll cherish  
Until we meet again  
And time makes it harder  
I wish I could remember_

What I'll remember the most clearly will be the last time he kissed me. It had been after he was held hostage in the airport. I remember it so clearly, it had been soft and gentle and absolutely perfect. I guess that was when he realized that we were all mortals.

I was just too stubborn to realize the same thing.

Everyday that goes by, his memory fades and blurs a little more. The lock I put over my memories will rust as time wears on. After years and years, maybe I'll only remember a few things. Maybe I won't even remember his favourite colour. God, I hope not. My memories are precious; they're all I have left of him. I need him, and now he's gone.

_But I keep your memory  
You visit me in my sleep  
My darling, who knew?_

But what memories I can keep, I'll cherish them until the bitter end. I promise never to forget his face, his voice, his laugh. And when I dream, I'll dream of him. I'll dream of everything I wanted from him that he never had the chance to give. I'll dream of raising children, of growing old together.

I'll dream, and maybe dreams will heal my broken heart. Heal it enough to get me through this life, until I see him again.

_My darling  
My darling, who knew?  
My darling I miss you  
My darling, who knew?_

Who knew something like this would happen? I sure didn't. If I had, I would have fixed everything. I would have let myself love him, because a love like that only happens once in a lifetime. For many people, even less.

I'll try to accept his passing. I'll try to hold on until my own death, and then I'll see him again. And when I do, I swear that things will work out. They have to, otherwise what do I have left? The team is my family, but they can only help so much. Who knew my world would change so much?

_Who knew?_

**FIN**

* * *

**Review? I'll love you for it ;)**


End file.
